Comparatively Awesome

No day can be completely horrible when you get to stick your entire arm inside a cow's rumen. This fact is insurmountable, and no one can convince me otherwise. For anyone that's unfamiliar with cows, rumens, or the joy of fermenting microbes, I'll clear you up on the whole ordeal. First, you start with a cow.

Meet Ruby.



She has a port in her rumen. In addition to providing one with hours of uninterrupted conversation, she also donates rumen fluid to other cows in need as well as teaching countless students about rumens and cows alike. You could say that Ruby is one of the most respected teachers in the school, but you wouldn't think that when you met her. She's completely unassuming about the whole thing and content with just teaching for the love of it...and eating grass.

Now, rumens are tricky things. If you don't know anything about cows, like I didn't when I started school, you might not even know that such a thing as a rumen exists. (I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't even know of its existance. Rumen? Really?! What?!!?) A rumen is, for all intents and purposes, part of a cow's stomach. Being an herbivore, a cow must consume massive amounts of grass in order to receive the necessary energy content. For the cow, this means spending most of the day eating and digesting, a process that the rumen plays a very important role in. The rumen houses an extensive array of microbes which ferment and break down the grass consumed. Additionally, the rumen functions in absorption of these materials.

Here is Ruby's rumen port:



And here is the food in it and, if you look really REALLY close, you can see several friendly microbes waving at you. (A.K.A.- Nasty, Grassy, Death in a Hole):



To palpate a rumen, you first put on the longest plastic glove that you've ever seen in your life because...Let's face it, no one wants to free hand this shiznit. Once you are gloved and ready to go, approach the cow and prepare for the smell of the rumen. It's a very unique odor that I can't really describe for you. Given all the fermenting bacteria and methane they are producing, this should be unsurprising to you, but it still takes a while to get used to. While probing the cow with your arm, be prepared. If she coughs, she will splatter you and your closest colleages with her ruminal nastiness. I think cows do it on purpose. I know I would.

"Look Bessy, they are getting really close. Watch this!"

Please note, the smell tends to linger when you get coated in it. You can help to ward off angry stares you might receive from smelling like fermented grass by coming up with a heroic story about how you rescued small children off of a bus that was sinking in a swamp or some similar story.

According to my physiology teacher who was assisting in our palpation lab, the contractions of the rumen can be strong enough to break your arm if you have it in there at the wrong time in the wrong angle. More reasons why being a vet is way more exciting and hardcore than being a physician. ^-~

Altogether, a very awesome learning opportunity today. Now, tired and filled with soup, I retire to playing Ace Attorney and thinking about how I should be more obsessed with studying.